What would you if you weren’t afraid? We’ve probably all heard this question. I ask myself this very thing a lot. My answer is always: live. Not that I am not living now, but I would live even more. Anxiety holds me back. It’s true. I often catch myself thinking of things in terms of the potential anxiety I might experience. It’s what my brain thinks of as self preservation. Avoiding noxious things seems like a good idea, except that with anxiety that’s not necessarily true. Sometimes we need to face our fears in order to move forward.

I advocate in favor of self care. We all need it. I know that big gatherings of people wear me out. They make me anxious for one, but I also feel that socializing a lot takes a toll on me. I still participate but I know that I need some time to decompress. I need time to relax, to be away from people. I know that if I don’t do that I become ill. I experience anxiety attacks and panic attacks that leave me feeling even worse.

I do best in small quiet settings. A glass of wine and conversation with a handful of friends is my idea of a good time. A big music festival is not. This has always been the case with me, even before my anxiety crept in. That’s just what I like and that’s ok. There isn’t a rule somewhere that says that we all have to enjoy big gatherings. It’s okay to prefer quiet.

I don’t really know where I am going with this post. These are just random thoughts. I’ve had good days recently. Feeling quite calm but again with that vigilance over my next bout of anxiety. I am working on becoming more carefree. It’s difficult but like I’ve said before it’s a journey.

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