It’s been a long time since I’ve written a post here and it’s partly because I sometimes find it triggering to delve into my anxietyc(I have probably said this before). I don’t pretend it’s not there, I live with it so I address it pretty much daily but something about blogging about it makes me…anxious. Anyway, last year had a lot of ups and downs anxiety-wise but I made a lot of progress. Mental health is a journey (for me). I started saying yes to a lot more things and I am happier for it. I have learned that having anxiety in a different city is maybe a bit scarier but the panic attacks are no different than they are when I’m at home. Granted, sometimes the mere fact I’m far from home triggers my anxiety and panic attacks to astronomical levels but I always make it out ok.
I started off the year with a brand new planner and a lot of motivation to continue to build on the victories of last year. I haven’t kept a planner since I was in grad school, I had one last year but I used it more as a place to jot down lists than actually plan in advance. Chores and housework hardly seemed important enough to schedule but I am beginning to see the value in treating these tasks like I would any other appointment. When I write things down I tend to get them done and this has already proven valuable this past week.
I have never been this on top of the housework as I am right now and it feels great. I had began to realize that I had become codependent. I wanted none of that. It’s not fair to my husband and it’s not fair to me. I want to reclaim the independence I once had. So I am making changes. I used to go everywhere and do everything by myself. No place was too far or inconvenient. Now, I like the comfort of having my husband with me, and even though at first going out together made caring for our son easier it has gotten to the point where I have to admit that the idea of running errands alone terrifies me and that is something I refuse to be okay with. So I went out today and ran all the errands I needed to run and I am OKAY! I didn’t feel any anxiety (maybe just a bit) but I did it. And I will continue to do it. Some days I will try to talk myself out of it but that’s part of the process.
My son was so good during our outing, not that he generally isn’t but you never know when a two year old will have a bad day. So, we got home and I did the laundry, steam cleaned the floors (again!) and did a few other things that needed doing. I am so happy about the productive day I had that I am wide awake and sleep does not seem to be anywhere in sight.
This year I want to update this blog more often and I will share not just the good, but also the bad. Even though writing about my anxiety is sometimes difficult it always feels good in the end. I put it out there and it feels like I’ve let it all out. It’s a form of therapy.
When I am having a panic attack I feel like everything is on blast, everything is moving so fast, my heart, my thoughts about how I am dying, and nothing feels good. It’s awful but in those moments, which really are not as long as they feel, I have started to describe my symptoms out loud. It has helped to take a clinical approach to how I view what is happening to my body and I feel as though it starts to break down the panic attack until it’s nothing but jitters and a post adrenaline high.